Rumours of Apple doing away with the traditional 3.5mm headphone jack have Tim Green’s ears ringing.

So, Apple wants to get rid of the old-fashioned audio jack. The tech blogs are fizzing with rumours that this relic of the analogue age (invented in 1878 would you believe) is on its way out.

Apparently Cupertino wants it to go the way of the floppy disc and the CD drive. Getting rid of the audio jack would free up valuable space inside the iPhone 7. It could make the phone thinner.

Or, cry the cynics, it could mean iPhone 7 owners can only buy one brand of headphone. Let’s say, one called Beats. Anyone subversive enough to want to pair their iPhone 7 with their old earphones could simply buy an adapter for the negligible sum of $40.

It’s all immaterial to me. I’ve gone BlueTooth. For tragic medical reasons.

You see, I don’t have the best ears. They’re a little on the big side, and these days I have to keep a careful eye on the hair count. And when a say ‘eye’ I mean eye in the singular, since I can only see out of one of those.

Dodgy ears? Malfunctioning eyes? Really, when it comes to sensory organs it’s all about the nose for me. I have an highly competent nose.

But back to the shell-likes. With age, I’ve grown accepting of their flaws. However, the thing that still annoys me about them is their inability to hold an earphone.

This is because my intertragic incisures are U-shaped. And I mean really U-shaped. Like the mouth of a smiley face.

Let me explain. The intertragic incisure (I’m not a doctor – I googled it) is the valley at the bottom of your ear. Most people have a lovely V-shaped one. When these lucky individuals buy a phone, they can slide their new earbuds effortlessly into place.

And there the buds stay, tethered immovably to the ear while the wearer goes running, performs emergency surgery or safely de-activates an explosive device. It’s so different for wretched U-shapers like me. When I wear earbuds, even breathing is a challenge. The merest lateral movement and those phones just pop out like champagne corks.

Naturally, I gave up earbuds years ago. Had I stuck with them, my deportment would be wondrous by now. I’d be floating around MWC 2016 like Margot Fonteyn. Imagine.

At one stage I flirted with those probe-like earbuds that you force inside your canal. But I couldn’t handle them at all. They made my eyes water, and think about being violated by aliens. Later, I went clip-on. They were fine to wear, but a nightmare to fold away. The clips would get horribly entangled with the wires.

So, now I’ve gone full Bluetooth. It’s wonderful in many ways. They stay in place even when I’m operating a pneumatic drill. No tangled wires to worry about. But there is a trade-off. The signal occasionally cuts out, leaving Freddie Mercury to sing:

“Mama, just illed a man

Put a gu again is ed

Ulled the rigger

Now he’s  ”

And, of course, Bluetooth means one more device to charge. Indeed, this may be the fate of iPhone 7 owners, given that one rumour suggests the modified headphones might even power the phone.

This is because, if the headphones connect to the lightning port, iPhone owners won’t be able to charge their devices. Thus, some commentators believe the headphones could contain a battery so users can power their phones and listen to Fight The Power at the same time.

We’ll see. It’s possible Apple has nothing of the sort planned.

Maybe it’s more focused on how the iPhone 7 will sync with the Apple Car.